A Lewi-shame Christmas Carol
With apologies to Charles Dickens
by Nicholas Ingham
CAST:
John Motson (Commentator)
Ebeneezer Scrooge (The Mayor)
Councillor Daintily (Pantomime Dame)
The Ghost of Mayor Fisk
Hope
Faith
Charity
[Enter John Motson wearing sheepskin jacket. He carries a clipboard with a handy copy of the script and
talks into microphone:]
JM: Hello Lewisham and welcome to Match of The Day. No swearing please as we’re live on national TV!
A great show for you today featuring today’s christmas derby between Lewisham Council Wanderers and
Opposition United. A bit of a grudge match I can assure you. We’ll be going live to the Town Hall for a full
coverage later in the show but first, an action replay from the year 2002 when that great team Lewisham
Council Wanderers found they had a new directly elected manager, Mayor Ebeneezer Scrooge.
[Enter ES wearing smart suit, chain of office, etc. He gives a victory type wave to the crowd and starts to
speak.]
ES: Friends, Romans, Lewishamites. Lend me your ears. Today I have won a famous victory. I’d like to
thank my wife, my cats, my agent, my mother in law and of course most of all you … you few, you happy
few, you band of council tax paying voters …
JM: Very few indeed … a very interesting statistic is that there was only a 24.8% bothered to turn out to
vote … and on aggregate, only 11.15% of the electorate actually voted for the winner. Not a lot of people
know that.
ES: Do be quiet Mottie. Where was I … oh yes …
First and foremost, I promise you Education, Education, Education … that means a new school north of the
south circular, a new school south of the north circular and new schools at New Cross, St Johns, Lewisham,
Ladywell, Catford Bridge, Lower Sydenham, New Beckenham, Clockhouse, Elmers End, Eden Park, West
Wickham and Hayes.
JM: Due to engineering works these promises might be delayed.
[ES gives JM a filthy look]
ES: I promise you Environment, Environment, Environment … I promise to preserve our beautiful parks
and open spaces, to build more bottle banks and to play whale music on the council loudspeakers at night to
frighten away the foxes …
I promise you Health, Health, Health … I will encourage more nurses to live here by building affordable
homes … I will ban junk food in public places … and I will tackle obesity in children by giving them more
I will not cease from mental fight, nor shall my sword sleep in my hand till we have built Jerusalem here in
Lewisham’s green & pleasant parks ... [hesitates, check notes of speech] … er … green & pleasant
brownfield sites.
[Enter Councillor Daintily in full pantomime dame outfit]
CD: [to audience] Three cheers for our wonderful mayor!
[to ES] Mr Mayor. This just has to stop. You can’t make promises that we in the Council can’t keep. Come
away from all those horrible people before they get the wrong idea.
ES: Why Councillor Daintily! You look ever so fine today. [CD curtseys to audience]. Give us a twirl. [CD
twirls] Fantastic. Now what were you saying?
CD: About your promises Mr Mayor. Do you realise that we can’t keep any of them! Where do think we’ll
get the money? Where do you think we’ll find the land? Where do you think we can hide the asbestos?
ES: I am a man of my word and I will keep my election promises!
CD: I no you won’t!
ES: Oh yes I will!
All: Oh no you won’t! [repeat …]
ES: Quiet everybody. Quieten down please. I need to think. I have to build new houses. We have to find
space somewhere for them. Councillor Daintily you have to help me.
[CD pretends to think for while and then winks at the audience]
CD: Well Mr Mayor. We could just squeeze a few little houses on Deptford Park I suppose. Deptford Park
… pah … what an eye sore …an absolute tip …. it’s just an old world war two bombsite they never cleared
up .. perfect for new houses!
ES: But where can we put the school? Another park perhaps?
CD: [sarcasticly] How many more parks do you think we have to build on? There are laws against that sort
of thing you know.
ES: No more excuses Councillor Daintily … we must build a new school … especially before we lose any
more seats to those monster raving new school campaigners.
CD: [to audience] I wish he’d told me that before we demolished Telegraph Hill School.
[CD pretends to think for while and then winks at the audience again]
Well there is a possible place we might just be able to a squeeze a tiny, weeny, school. Four form entry only.
No playground. That kind of thing.
ES: Where, where, where?
CD: Ladywell Leisure Centre. An eye sore …an absolute tip ... it’s just a sixties monstrosity that should
have been pulled down years ago … its filthy and disgusting. Just imagine a so-called leisure centre with no
sauna, no locks on the changing room doors and no hairdryers … it’s a wonder anybody ever uses it!
[To the audience] God knows where that £1.9 million spent on the refurbishment went! But I mean …
[removes wig to reveal balding head] … who needs hairdryers anyway?
ES: There’s just one little snag. I’m sure I said something about that place to the newspapers once …
[searches through newspaper] … here it is … apparently I said “as long as I am mayor there will be a top
class swimming facility in the centre of our borough”
CD: Typical newspapers. They’ll print any old rubbish! Besides, we can fob them all off with the promise of
a multi-million pound, state of the art leisure complex in the middle of the Lewisham Gateway.
ES: But you told me there’s no way that’s going to be ready before 2010. We can fool some of the people
all of the time, or all of the people some of the time, but we can’t fool all of the people all of the time, can
we?
CD: But remember what happened in Downham, Mr Mayor? There’s been no swimming pool there for
absolutely years and do you think anyone notices? And one thing’s for sure. If we can get rid of Ladywell
Pool we’ll save hundreds of thousands of pounds a year.
ES: Hundreds of thousands? [rubs his hands in glee] Now you’re talking my language Councillor Daintily.
Excellent. Excellent.
[To audience]. Men. They’re just soooo gullible … [She makes a gesture to suggest she can wind ES round
her little finger and leaves]
JM: Blimey. Mayor Ebeneezer totally outclassed by that Councillor Daintily. She was just too quick for
him. They don’t call her twinkle toes for nothing.
[ES sits down and falls asleep]
Anyway. Something very very strange happened next. Ebeneezer went off home clutching his bright new
shiny mayor’s chain winner’s medal thing, had an early bath and fell asleep in front of the telly. Suddenly,
he was woken up by a strange feeling that he was not home alone ….
[ES wakes up with a start]
ES: Who’s there? Who is it? Where are you? Come out so I can see you!
[Ghost enters. Could do a “behind you” routine here]
Ghost: Don’t be afraid Ebeneezer. I won’t harm you but I bring you a dire warning.
ES: Who on earth are you?
Ghost: I am the ghost of Lewisham Past!
ES: Who? Never heard of you!
Ghost: Never heard of me? Have you never read the Christmas Carol? Dickens?
Page 4 of 9
ES: That’s all bah humbug.
Ghost: That’s the one. So you have heard of me then?
ES: No. I just think Christmas is a load of bah humbug.
Ghost: I’ll lend you the book. Nice pictures.
Before I got the job as Ghost of Lewisham Past I used to be known as Mayor Fisk. I’m here to warn you of
three silly little mistakes that will ruin your career.
Mistake No One. Building houses on the only park between Southwark and Greenwich. Crazy.
Mistake No Two. Building a school that’s too small and in the wrong place. Madness.
Mistake No Three: Demolishing the very swimming pool that I built when I was Mayor of Lewisham. Have
you not seen the plaque inside the door. Pool opened by yours truly 1965? A total disgrace. Persist in this
lunacy and these decisions will come back to haunt you. And so will I!
ES: I’m not scared of ghosts. What’s the worst that could possibly happen?
Ghost: What’s the worst that could happen? I’ll tell you. When Channel 4 make the Top 100 mayors of all
time … do you think you’ll be right up there with Dick Whittington and his cat? Ken Livingston and his
congestion charge? Dame Shirley What’s Her Name and her million quid fine? Of course not. You’ll be
nowhere. Consigned to the wheelie bin of history. The first directly elected Mayor of Lewisham that
everyone would rather forget.
ES: They won’t forget me. The people love me and will re-elect me with a massive majority again.
Ghost: Not if you carry on like this mate they won’t.
ES: Oh yes they will.
Ghost: Oh no they won’t! [repeat]
[When quiet returns]
Ghost: Got to dash Scrooge. I’m off for a swim before you close the pool down and I want to get home in
time to see Spooks. [Ghost leaves]
JM: Well well well. If you’ve just tuned in that that was an action replay from the day of the mayor’s
election just two short years ago. But now the moment you’ve all been waiting for as we go over to
Lewisham Town Hall for live action from today’s special council meeting.
Will Lewisham Council Wanderers with their squad of 42 players trounce the underdogs Opposition United
once again. There’s only 12 of them you see and a motley crew there are too. But everyone loves to see a
cup upset so let’s go straight over to pitch side.
[CD returns]
ES: What’s on the agenda today Councillor Daintily?
CD: Some tedious public questions and yet more local riff raff protesting about Deptford Park and Ladywell
Pool again.
ES: The usual suspects?
CD: The usual suspects. You know the kind of people. Have you noticed how protestors the world over all
look exactly the same? Ugly and stupid and in need of a good hot bath. And they’re just sooooo
unimaginative. I mean why can’t they come up with some new songs. All they ever sing is the same old
tunes.
[She sings in a sarcastic childlike voice]
What do want? A new school! When do we want it? Now!
[ES joins in and they start to dance]
What do want? To save the pool! When do we want it? Now!
What do want? To save the park! When do we want it? Now!
Enter Hope Faith and Charity, three local school children, each carrying a placard carrying the logo of
each the “Save Ladywell Pool”, “Save Deptford Park” and “New School” campaigns and each bearing a
petitions/letters (which also act as their written scripts). The children start to sing the same words but in
serious voices (and the audience join in). ES and CD stop singing/dancing to glare at them.
CD: Order order. Silence please. Would members of the public please be quiet. Quiet please. Order order
[repeat until quiet again]
Right. The first item on the agenda is petitions. Who do we have today? Come on. Hurry up, hurry up we
don’t have all day you know.
[Faith enters, walks up to the Mayor and reads her letter]
Faith: Dear Mr Mayor. All I want for Christmas is a new school, where I can go with all my friends. I want
a school close enough to where we live so that three hundred of us don’t have to travel miles on two or three
different buses to get there. I want a school with enough space so that we can have a playground. I want a
school with enough teachers so that I can learn english and french and german. Please can you fix it for me
Mr Mayor? Yours sincerely. Faith.
ES: Bah humbug. This is a council meeting for heaven’s sake not Jim’ll blooming Fix It. We can’t just
build schools anywhere you know. You’re getting new school in Ladywell for goodness sake as it’s far and
away the easiest option for us. So stop moaning. Three buses indeed? Get off your fat backside and walk!
The exercise will do you good.
CD: Do we have any more petitions?
[Hope enters, walks up to the Mayor and reads her letter]
Hope : Dear Mr Mayor. All I want for Christmas is to save Ladywell Pool so I can learn to swim with all my
friends. My mum bought me these great new armbands and has promised to buy me a bike once I can swim
a whole length on my own. But my school teacher says that if you close the pool we might not be able to
have swimming lessons any more. Can you help me please. Yours sincerely. Hope.
ES: Bah humbug. Bah humbug. What is it with you people? I’ve just told your friend that we’re building a
new school. To do that we have to knock down your tatty old pool. You can’t have everything in life you
know. If you want to learn to swim, the Thames isn’t far from here. And we are cleaning up the Quaggy you
know!
CD: Oh dear. Not another one … hurry up child …
[Charity enters, walks up to the Mayor and reads her letter]
Charity: Dear Mr Mayor. All I want for Christmas is for you to save Deptford Park, I want somewhere to be
able to play and I like to watch the trees blowing in the wind. You know that the trees give us oxygen and
without them we would all suffocate very slowly. So please leave my park alone My Mayor. Yours
sincerely. Charity.
ES: Blowing in the wind. Blowing in the wind? Bah humbug. Who do you think I am? Bob blooming
Dylan? The answer my friend is blowing in the wind. Tough luck! If you want somewhere to play there’s a
fantastic new adventure playground next door to the park. It’s called Bob’s Scrap Metal Merchants.
I’m sorry but something has to go. As Mayor it’s my job to find homes for another 3,000 families and all
their children.
CD: Please tell me there aren’t loads of silly supplementary questions?
[Children all answer together and repeat questions over and over]
Charity: Where will all the new children go to school?
Hope : Where will all the new children learn to swim?
Faith: Where will all the new children go to play.
All: Where will all the new children go to school / learn to swim / go to play? [repeat]
ES: Stop. Stop. Stop. I’m the mayor and I make the decisions round here …
CD: Err actually sir …
ES: Be quiet for once in your life Councillor … can’t you see this is a time for strong leadership and I’m the
man to give it. Tough times demand tough talk. We need new schools and houses. I’ve made up my mind to
bulldoze the pool and the park to get them and there is nothing any of you [pointing at audience] can do
about it.
Faith/Hope/Charity: Oh yes there is.
ES: Oh no there isn’t!
All: Oh yes there is!
[usual chaos ensues]
JM: Well. Quite incredible scenes here at Lewisham Town Hall. I’m heading into the dressing room now
for an exclusive interview with the Mayor and the lovely Councillor Daintily.
Councillor? You seemed to be short of quite a few of your team tonight? A lot of empty seats on the bench.
Did that worry you at all?
CD: Not at all. We’ve a large squad who do exactly what we tell them so the result was never in any doubt.
JM: But not many home supporters in tonight?
CD: We have huge fan base in Lewisham. That’s why we don't need to consult on a big decision like
building on Deptford Park or depriving Lewisham of a swimming pool for 5 years.
JM: And here he is. The man of the match. Talk us through it. What was your game plan?
ES: Simple Mottie. No more mister nice guy. If it gets in my way. Bulldoze it.
JM: [to audience] Well there you have it. Strength in numbers and a simple winning formula. (Forget
Arsenal unbeaten in 49 games. Forget AFC Wimbledon unbeaten in 76 games. Lewisham Council
Wanderers are the team to beat. Haven’t lost a vote for decades). Who can stop these boys?
[Ghost enters and taps JM on the shoulder. Again we could do a “behind you” routine here]
Ghost: I think I might have an idea how to stop them.
JM: [jumps]. Good God. You frightened the life out of me. I thought you were dead.
Ghost. Of course I’m dead. I’m a ghost, stupid. Politically dead that is …
JM: [to audience] Well Ladies and Gentleman. Now we’re joined live on air by none other than Mayor
Fisk, the Ghost of Lewisham Past. What did you think of the game?
Ghost: We was robbed. I feel sick as a parrot. That first vote was definitely offside. Dreadful bit of
refereeing.
JM. So what’s your plan Mr Ghost?
Ghost: Simple. There are at least five other excellent sites where we could build a new school but the best
place is Convoys Wharf.
JM: Convoy’s what?
Ghost: Convoys Wharf in Deptford. By the Thames. Where King Henry VIII’s Royal Dockyard was.
Flipping huge place [gestures with hands]. Big enough to build 3,500 homes so a piece of cake to squeeze in
a school or two. And what’s more, it’s just where the school places are needed in the north of the borough.
Build there and there’s no need to touch Deptford Park or Ladywell Pool.
JM: Sounds too easy. What’s the catch?
Ghost: Persuading the mayor to change his mind without losing face.
JM: Well there you have it. The mayor seems hell bent on scoring a hat trick of spectacular own goals. Is it
too late to save Deptford Park and Ladywell Pool? Will Lewisham get a school large enough and where it
really needs it? Will the ghost’s brilliant plan be enough to persuade the mayor to change his mind?
You’ll have to tune in next time to find out … so from all of us here at Lewisham Town Hall may I wish you
a very merry christmas ….er …hold on a second I’m just getting some late news …
Apparently the demolition has already started …some bulldozers are on the park … they think it’s all over.
ES/CD: It is now!
JM: Oh no its not
ES/CD: Oh yes it is …
All: Oh no its not. [repeat]
JM: Seriously folks. It a game of two halves … you can make a difference and you can help us to stop the
bulldozers moving in, please sign our petition here, lobby your councillors, join one of the compaign groups,
make a donation … whatever you do please grab a leaflet before you go home … don’t forget it’s not not
over til the fat lady sings
CD: Who you calling fat Mottie?
[Music. The End]
ADULT LETTER (SCHOOL)
Dear Mr Mayor. All my children want for Christmas is a new school, where they can go with all their
friends. They want a school close enough to where we live so that three hundred children like them don’t
have to travel miles on two or three different buses to get to school every day. They want a school with
enough space so that they can have a playground. And they want a school with enough teachers so that they
can learn english and french and german. Please can you fix it for them Mr Mayor? Yours sincerely. Mr/Mrs
Faith
ADULT LETTER (POOL)
Dear Mr Mayor. All my children want for Christmas is to save Ladywell Pool so I they learn to swim with
all their friends. We’ve bought them these great new armbands and promised to buy them a bike once they
can swim a whole length on their own. But their school teacher says that if you close the pool they might
not be able to have swimming lessons any more. Can you help me please. Yours sincerely. Mr & Mrs Hope.
ADULT LETTER (PARK)
Charity: Dear Mr Mayor. All my children want for Christmas is for you to save Deptford Park. They want
somewhere to be able to play and they like to watch the trees blowing in the wind. They tell me that the trees
give us oxygen and without them we would all suffocate very slowly. So please leave their park alone Mr
Mayor. Yours sincerely. Mr/Mrs Charity.
